AtTheBoard - Dating With Your Mind Wide Open

AtTheBoard.com

Dating With Your Mind Wide Open - Graduate Male Watching

CONGRATULATIONS, wise women of the Single Sisterhood. I hope your fieldwork over the past weeks has brought you extraordinary MALE WATCHING opportunities and AHA! moments.

In last month's article, I shared the story of my own first AHA! moment, when I truly "got" the powerful magic of male watching. I ended my story "He will never know how later that night I wrote a list of his traits in my journal. Then, I turned the page, and wrote all I had learned about myself from watching him be the man he is."

Maybe, as you observed, dissected, and analyzed male behavior this past month, your best AHA! moment was when you also realized that the true specimen under the microscope was YOU!

One of my favorite Oprah quotes is "It isn't until you come to a spiritual understanding of who YOU are�not necessarily a religious feeling, but deep down, the spirit within�.that you can begin to take control." Now there's a concept! TAKING CONTROL: A life changing choice that only comes through a deep understanding of who YOU are. Working with this series, DATING WITH YOUR MIND WIDE OPEN, you are doing just that.

In Article One, BASIC MALE WATCHING, you checked in on your childhood, a time when you had precious little control over anyone, much less yourself. Even your feelings were encouraged, ignored, or negated by the people who did hold the control. When little girls are conditioned to disconnect from their intuition, hearing again and again "You shouldn't feel that way," You�r'e too sensitive," or "Stop crying!" they often grow up as women numb to what empowers them most.

So, the purpose of Exercise 1 was for you, the woman, to return to childhood for that second chance to feel what you really felt about each of the significant males of your childhood. Your "Rate the Traits" list breathed new life into your sixth sense, as your mind made the crucial connection between a man�s action and your emotion.

In Article Two, INTERMEDIATE MALE WATCHING, with your mind wide open, you observed men like protozoa in a Petri dish. Your intuition rated their behavior with cold calculation and zero emotional attachment as you refined your "Rate the Traits" list; your choices of + or - echoing your intuitive "Yes, this works for me" or "No, this doesn't work for me."

Well done! No wonder the Latin definition of Intuition means "Looking inward for one's wisdom!" (Want to start a social revolution? Intelligence and Intuition share the same root).

Now you are ready to take your sixth sense to the next level, shifting your sights from protozoa to prince, from pasta to prime rib! It's time you and your intuition create your personal one-of-a-kind template of what prince means to you.

Welcome to GRADUATE MALE WATCHING!

Creating your Prince Template requires your mental and spiritual focus. I strongly encourage you to carve out some "alone" time for Exercise #3, as you determine WHO HE IS, specifically his CORE VALUES, his PERSONALITY and his PASSIONS.

Note: Ever wonder where the idea of "soul mate" came from? As you go through the steps of designing your prince, notice how often his core values, personality type and passions reflect the woman you are.

CORE VALUES are the foundation for how we live our lives. They clarify the kind of person we choose to be, alone and in relationships. Our core values are most evident when we feel afraid, threatened, under pressure, tempted to compromise, or faced with significant loss. Intimate relationships create the ultimate test for one's core values because our unconscious hope for intimacy is to heal the hidden emotional wounds from our childhood.

Discerning such depth in a man requires time, testing and tenacity, while watching with your intuition fully engaged. For example, let's say you've had a couple of dates with your http://match.com guy, and he's cute enough, seems nice, and is attentive to your every word and whim. So, wise woman who seeks her prince, what do you do now? You watch and wait, understanding that men are "wired" for conquest. Until he's sure of you, typically you will only see what he wants you to see, which is the tiny little tip poking above the surface that hides the humongous iceberg below. Get the picture?

It takes a lot more than happily dating a "nice guy" to guarantee a life long commitment to intimacy. Bringing you flowers on a first date, crying like a baby on the second, or saying "I love you" on the third only prove he's done his homework about what a woman wants. And, of course, we already know what he wants! So, enjoy the joy, while remembering these frogs can be very clever fellows. Just when you think you've found your golden prince, then poof � he morphs green!

You have miles to go before you learn how he reacts when he is frustrated, irritated, angry, afraid, overwhelmed, pressured or embarrassed. If so, does he attack, blame, defend, argue, complain, withdraw, or use sarcasm or profanity? If so, do such behaviors signal prince or frog to you?

So, after your first date, or 10th, if you are still impressed, know there is more, much more to be revealed. This is the most crucial time to keep your mind wide open, and your heart safe, until you are absolutely sure you have, indeed, found your prince.

Exercise #3: Prince Template
WHO HE IS: CORE VALUES, PERSONALITY, PASSIONS

What you will need:
Your notebook, a pen, your "Rate the Trait" list, and sky's the limit thinking.
Time required: About one hour, maybe more

Examples of values, personality, and passions are listed for each area. However, feel free to add any others that describe your "perfect for you" prince.

CORE VALUES

Step 1. On the top line of the next page in your notebook write the words WHO HE IS. On the next line, write CORE VALUES. List at least five, not more than ten Core Values that reflect your prince, skipping two lines between each word.

Examples of princely core values: honesty, integrity, authenticity, conscious life style, ethical, optimism, success, punctual, attentive, fiscally responsible, reliable, fair minded, spiritual, ambitious. If important to you, include political and / or religious persuasions.

NOTE: His core values are 98% linked to his childhood (subliminal message/ Mother), but, that's a topic for another time.

STEP 2: After each Core Value write a statement of how someone would demonstrate success in that area. Example:
Core value: Honesty
"He shows me he's honest when he ________________________________"

STEP 3: This step requires significant "tuning in" to your intuition. Please take all the time you need. The thoughtfulness you give to this step holds the potential to reward you for the rest of your life. Rank each core value in order of importance to you, with #1 being your most important, non-negotiable, big time deal breaker.

STEP 4: Starting with quality #1, list in order of priority your CORE VALUES sentences from Step 2 into a paragraph.

Example: If honesty is your #1 priority for his core values, write that sentence first. Next sentence, write about #2. As you write, feel free to use your imagination and literary license to describe your man's core values.

Following are the categories, PERSONALITY and PASSIONS. To complete each category, simply repeat steps 1 � 4 from above. When you are finished, you will have created your prince template.

PERSONALITY

Determining his prince PERSONALITY is a breeze compared to his core values. After all, even on a first date, an introvert would have a hard time faking the "life of the party" guy! (The same applies to his PASSIONS. Very simple choices!) Hint: Your "Rate the Traits" + list is the perfect place to start.

Examples of Princely PERSONALITY traits: Sense of humor, communicative, assertive, optimistic, responsive, intelligent, traditional, liberal, extroverted, introverted, patience, focused, strong silent type, studious, leader, follower, project oriented, process oriented, thrifty, risk taker, competitive, logical, kind, spontaneous, goal-oriented, energetic, sensitive, neat, organized, responsible, determined, generous, compassionate, understanding.

PASSIONS

Passions are determined by what motivates, compels, or just plain lights up your prince's life, as in what he would choose if given competing choices.

Examples of PASSIONS: YOU, intimacy, family, friends, health, competition, career, adventure, challenge, self-actualization, business success, wealth, male bonding, happiness, competitive bridge, wine tasting, community service, animals, reading, gambling, education, running marathons, music, politics, religion.

That's it! You now know everything about your prince, but where he is!
So, get out there, girlfriend. Decide where you would likely meet your "Mr. Perfect" and off you go. Often, your PASSION preferences are where you will find him. For example, if "physical fitness" qualifies, join a gym or running club, or man a water booth at the next marathon in your city.

If you listed "music," volunteer to usher at concerts, or audition for your community chorale or church choir. To find a man dedicated to "community service," you may spot him hanging doors for "Habitat for Humanity," coaching YMCA basketball, or fund raising for community projects. To find your "animal lover," volunteer at the SPCA or organize events for the city zoo.

This is your time to check in with your creative mind as to where you need to be to find him doing what he loves to do! So, sign up for a college course in his passion preference, or check out your hometown community event calendar. Always, use your imagination and your smile to attract the prince who is waiting for you! The payoff is authentic intimacy all wrapped up in each other's arms!

"You change your future when you really know what matters most to you, then settle for nothing less." -Morgan Delaney

Related Links

Morgan Delaney

Relationship expert, consultant, and educator, Morgan Delaney, MS, empowers single women with the real secrets about dating and relationships, based on a decade of research in the fields of developmental psychology, brain-based gender differences, and the fascinating mysteries of the male psyche. To learn more about Ms. Delaney's relationship research, and forthcoming books, visit Single Sisterhood.

Oct 02, 00:00

More Articles